everything you ever wanted to know about sex parties, part 2

 When people hear that I go to sex parties, they have questions — lots of questions. I answered several of them in Sex Party FAQ Part 1, but there’s no such thing as being too informed. Toward that end, here are a few more of your top sex party questions, answered by a sex party veteran (and if you’re wondering what a sex party is, read my first post on this topic).

What should I bring for the sexiest experience? 

You don’t really need to bring anything. I’ve never been to a sex party that did not, at the very least, supply condoms. However, toys and lube can be great enhancers — especially if you think your genitals might be a little shy in front of all those people and need help getting warmed up (who could blame you?). Dress codes vary, but sex parties present a great opportunity to wear whatever would be considered too risqué in most settings (think lingerie, see-through tops). Or, you can wear any nice outfit you’d normally wear out, knowing it’ll probably come off anyway.

How can I tell if a particular club or party will provide a safe, welcoming environment?  

Check the website, and see if they have ground rules around things like consent and tolerance for different kinds of sexual expression, as well as a reporting process for consent violations. If the club requires an application that asks about these things, that’s a good sign. Another good sign is if the price is the same for everyone. A lot of clubs charge more for men, which can foster a sense of entitlement among the men there, as if they paid for access to the women. Policies like “single ladies and couples only” can also be a red flag. This is allegedly done to keep out potentially predatory single males, but it also reflects a homophobic culture that’s prevalent in swinger communities. 

What should I get clear about before I go to the party, in terms of my own boundaries? 

You should get as clear as possible about all your boundaries beforehand, knowing there’s nothing you have to do once you’re there. Know how far you’re willing to go with someone sexually (just making out? Fingering? Oral sex?) and under what circumstances you’ll do it (only if they use a condom?) because it may be harder to decide in the moment. If you’re going with a partner, talk to them about what is and isn’t OK to do with other people: Flirting? Genital touching? Get as specific as you can to avoid misunderstandings. You can decide just to play with each other the first time, then venture outside that next time if you’re comfortable. 

Should I come with an idea in mind of what kind of fantasy I’d like to fulfill? 

You don’t have to, but it can provide an icebreaker. If there’s something you’ve been wanting to try, like a specific BDSM activity or a threesome, you can mention that to people you meet and see if anyone is interested in the same thing (or knows someone who is). You’ll be in a group of open-minded, non-judgmental people, so if you’re looking to fulfill a fantasy, this is a good setting for that. 

Got more more Qs about sex parties? Share in the comments below.